This was not a planned post, I’m starting to realize that life doesn’t always go according to plan – that is, not our plan at least..
It’s been a while. Exactly 1 year since I posted The Art of Letting Go + it’s currently 1:16am 1/9/22. I haven’t been on this blog… since May, days after my ex-husband told me he wanted a divorce.
no need for a dramatic pause, but if you like theatrics this would be your moment to gasp
Adele said it best: Why am I obsessing about the things I can’t control?
The art of letting go is a phrase that is expanding as I grow + heal; what I didn’t realize last year- til now is I never let go. I was so determined to “heal” I became controlling. Controlling on what I put out into the world / the internet / my relationships / myself… to protect myself + prevent more pain. If these past 12 months have taught me anything is that you’re never too far gone that you can’t go back to God. I would plan and plan and post about healing, self-love, body positivity, motherhood + relationships as much as I could but as I kept secretly (not so secretly) holding onto that pain, anger only continued to push me further away from who I was and from the truth that I couldn’t heal in the place that broke me.
It wasn’t until my ex left did I start to understand what letting go would look like. You have to begin to let go of the idea of the life you committed to during a divorce. Not to mention… divorce is ugly + it can bring out the ugliest sides of people. I was alarmed when I realized I had to face those ugly parts of myself – parts I thought I locked away. parts I hid from myself + the world only let out in rare moments I could be vulnerable + still, control who had that access to me. It was in those lonely moments I began to understand what my mum and dad meant when they said: you need to give it to God. I had no control, I could not control this situation. I could barely control the emotions I felt enveloped in; abandoned, unloved, ugly, angry, scared, disappointed, alone (on repeat). In no company but my own + the pain I was left with that I realized that this stemmed beyond the divorce or the trauma I had dealt with for the past 3 years.
Letting go doesn’t mean pretending something didn’t happen. It does not mean lying on behalf of others to excuse their actions, or hoping that others may forget what happened, what has been done. Letting go is a choice: to choose to forgive not only the person/people who have hurt you — but to forgive yourself in that process. “…to forgive and be set free. Evil wants you to remain the victim or victimized unwilling to forgive the offender. Forgiveness means identifying any outstanding or pending mental “debts” …and releasing them. Therefore, you must forgive yourself first in acknowledging that you made a mistake—which can be very difficult to do when you feel that it wasn’t your fault in the first place.” -Hakeem Collins
Ultimately I could not do this alone, I had to lean on: 1 Peter 5:7 ..casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. In moments I felt unlovable + overwhelmed with anxiety. Philippians 4:7 …and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. In moments I felt so full of sadness I couldn’t remember what joy felt like, and I worried I would never be happy again. and Adele. Not to take away from God – her divorce album dropped the week my divorce was finalized and we are both from Tottenham- I mean that’s gotta be some divine timing. I mean have you heard it- we all felt how she feels when we listen to 30.
If you are still here looking for some drama or deets on the divorce- this isn’t that kind of post.
So like…. have I done it? Have I let go? it’s a process.. I’ve had to let go of so much in the past few months, reflecting on the past three years I realize I was so preoccupied with other people’s opinions and the pain caused by them that I lost myself and my self-value along the way. As a mother, it opened my eyes that we don’t always know how highly valued we are when only looking at our reflection. I can’t help but smile when I see my daughter + just think how absolutely beautiful and perfect she is- just as she is. I had to be reminded: thankyou Mum, Sandy, tiktok – guys you don’t get it I am like hanging out with Jesus on my fyp of Psalm 139:14 …..I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
I am enough as is, not tooo much, not lacking (I am working on a few things). Just as I look at my daughter and see only perfection -and crust — bc she is a toddler; God looks at us and see’s his creations and he made us complete as is, crusty or not (: still wonderfully made.
I’m not claiming to have found ~inner peace~ but I’ve found much peace in letting go of things that are out of my control. Opinions of others – no longer control me.. that’s not my business. The pain and trauma from my past – no longer control me… I’m not letting my anxiety + fear stop me from living – OR LEAVING my house anymore. still working through them tho! My own anger and ugliness – no longer control me… I forgave myself for who I became in a toxic environment and relationship to survive. We can only control our actions + reactions, people will do what they want and I believe usually react out of insecurity from an unhealed place.
In a beautiful -full circle way- the tiktok that started this journey of growth + prompted my post last year “you don’t need closure to hear them say what they’ve already shown you – move on!!“ still remains so true. I found in my struggle of moving on + moving forward I had to lean on God. I also still resonate with my thoughts of last year..
flowers don’t wait for permission to grow, they find light and a little water and flourish in the weirdest places. Sometimes in a crack of a sidewalk or in a bush you didn’t know would bloom in the summer. I want to be like a flower and not wait for permission to grow and bloom. I want to master the art of letting go to prevent myself from living another year with sadness inside me. In today’s world we are encouraged to seek validation and closure, we live off of the instant gratification. I want to encourage you to allow yourself to move on. Let’s choose to be more like the flowers and grow, with and without permission.
I noticed some of my issues with codependence/self-worth started to shift when I moved away from the tight grasp + identity I felt that was put on me by others – away from the character I was created by the people who have hurt me. It wasn’t until I started to live authentically + began to rebuild my relationship with God I could to let go with a bit more ease – knowing if something is not for me, God has planned for something better.
So ummm – is she a flower? is she fully healed? is she just growing and glowing? …. tbd
ooo she spiritual now guys