I remember going to Target a month after having Aurora determined to buy some new clothes. I found these amazing spotty pants from Who What Wear and I was ready to go out and look good in my new pants! I gave myself a little grace an ordered two sizes up from
my pre-baby size. I got home and realized they didn’t fit. Which instantly made me feel: inadequate, insecure, unhappy and ugly. I was allowing myself to feel embarrassed about my body shape and allowed myself to be a victim of the expectation of “snapping back” to my pre-baby body.
I had my mum go back and exchange the pants for a bigger size because I did not want to do it myself. I didn’t want to let whoever the cashier would be- see that I had to get a size up, or feel the need to explain “oh I just had a baby”.
(insert awkward sigh / laugh)
I eventually got my pants, in a size 14. Which felt WHOPPING to me considering I always danced between a 6 – 10. My pre-baby body was a 6/8. I cried. I allowed myself to feel bad for the moment until I had to realize: I can’t allow myself to be defeated over a number. Especially a number as unimportant as a pant size from Target. I decided to refuse to allow myself to give in to the belief that a number on the back of my pants determined my value as a woman or my beauty as an individual.
Part of the motherhood journey is the baby bump, there is a hyper-focus on your body as it grows a human. Yet, as much as we are celebrated for having a visible bump. Nobody wants to celebrate any remaining lumps and bumps on our bodies post-baby. To admit to myself that I was no longer fitting my old skinny jeans felt like a failure.
I eventually decided to put the pants on and to be honest, they felt a little tight. But they also looked good, like really good. I was in love with how cute they were, how fun they looked and I reminded myself why I even wanted these pants so badly in the first place. Because they were hella cute. I looked hella cute. You know that moment you put on some clothes and you’re like “hey, I look gooooood!” that was me in those pants.
I could easily let myself be sad, feel disappointed and allow myself to believe my worth is tied into the size of my pants. But I would be allowing myself to believe that lie. Our worth as an individual is not determined by the size of our clothing, or by the width of our waist. Our worth as a human is not determined by how rapidly we can lose weight, or how quickly we can conform to societal expectations.
I decided that I didn’t care about the size of the pants anymore,
that I was not going to let that number determine my worth.
After having Aurora I have been determined to speak only body-positive language towards her and to disallow this lie that size=value to ring true to herself. Is it normal to occasionally feel insecure about yourself? yes. Is it normal for your body to be different shapes/sizes at different points of your life? yes. Is it normal to have a different pant size to the one you had before kids? yes. Does your value as a human depend on the size of your pants? no.
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